2013

still kicking

it took me forever to find my old blog

here me katrin at annie's

i  won't write tonight

it's too late

and 

nothing has changed anyway

my thoughts still elude me

before they form words

ice floe

and the water flows and swirls of ice and snow, how can i find peace if i am that, is their truth in who i am,? swirls of opinions, it dazzles me that you think you know best, but i am not you and you ain't me. imagine stopping talking, just to be, why is it so scary to become a layer in the ice, my opinion; that when there is a genius, there is a lot of pain. i never feel quite grounded, i guess there is a lot of water underneath my feet. water always flowing, seven months of frost and still that mountain gives. never will i stop the flow. floating in my life, not knowing if this is it. no i am not thoroughly content, moments of the some glory, just for fleeting moments i can lay and rest. and you beside me in pink panties and your hand will stroke me gently. and you, you can't be truly mine, because the circle it keeps turning, what i would own it would be just exposed in layers, it's the glory of the water which makes it shine.

what i try to say, it seems that when you live your life as fully as you can (we all do), you'r bound to be hurt. i watched a most beautiful movie yesterday 'Tetro'. and even if their life was incredible compared to mine, i think life is just like that, if you just calmly could accept that you are married to a genius ( we all are, we all have this particular life, unique in it's own way), and stay as calm as that woman in the movie, then all would be good, yet it showed us , that it is not, it never is, yet it's glorious.

the black wolf

i did not have a thing to say,

i do not know me,

life always such a mystery.

Yesterday some one send me photos of last fall, the colors so extremely colorful. I loose that totally, living in a world all white. Today a storm came through, instantly my dark mood vanished.

i am chirping like a bird. listening to his lovely voice. i blushed . i blushed , my gosh i blushed, how wonderful. that i am still me.

Last week i wrote this poem when at night the owls where talking.

An owl hoots

some 100yards away

all darkness

why do i love the lone black wolf

a wolf that might stand still

and turn it's head towards me, staring,

listening to me

I call back to the owl

i have been hearing owls for several days

so close today

i am inadequate in this forest

where the lone wolf hunts

and the owl answers

if

i saw the wolf

would i have the courage

to approach

he would trot off, that i know

I am not equipped

my bones creak

my body aches

with an incurable disease

yet i'm healthy

strong

I don't try to approach the owls

their wingbeat silent

there's no telling if they heed me or not

Do i listen to their call?

i want the wolf, i wail

grovelling in deep snow

i scream out for the black wolf

i scramble for his hidden den

my frozen hands

only turn up snow and ice

There's blood

warm bright red, frozen white

slow

and i work slow

and no one knows

as if i am under some sort of spell

and this is not a plea for free love

this is no excuse for cheating

never will i say, you should try it too;

it's fun

or as i like to think

maybe i will write a book;

to be your own

supreme slut

and i do my work meticulously slow

and no one knows

my job has never felt so glorious

just because my hair is sticky with his cum

who is this man i do not know

for three days previous

i felt elated

so listen here

because i do not really understand

and i do my work oh so slow

and no one knows

as a child i loved my papa and my opa

growing older, i loved potential husbands

with no intend of marriage

then i loved my husband

just because it's so

and true love let me tell you

is an amazing thing

blessed the ones who know it

but this loving just for loving...

and i do my work so slow

and no one knows

finally i saw his eyes

just a glimpse when i looked up at him

how can i say

this man i sought

not for anything sincere

the surprise of sweet blue eyes

the sweetest ones i ever saw

the glory of just loving for no other reason than

to be

and the work?

all they know

how well it's done

Intensity

my intensity, it haunts me, i have a friend she so intense, and she is lovely. no one runs away from her. my husband, my good ol' faithful husband, he is still with me. There is no intensity in snow. snow, it's patient, so very patient here. i don't like the idea that life gives lessons. did you see the snow today? on the sidehill. it had a shining crust of ice, the sun, the sun who's so intense, it made the ice a silver sheet. the patient snow safely underneath.

7 months of snow, why can't i just be me? why do i think i can't be me? i looked a paintings of my paul today, i love him as intensely as i ever did. deeply do i long for him, and so i long for other men, because my inability to give him snow, is what i think made him more silent than a cold spell of 40 below. a south wind blew, yet another man i meet; i want him badly, i long for him so deeply, really i barely know him, not taking time for pleasantries. i love the kind, they reach for me almost instantly, they reach for diamonds that i offer them. I might say, should we not take it a little slower. but really that would make me so uncomfortable, to wait for things i want to happen. so now, only now, this time around i will give him space like air trapped under snow. The snow it does change and when you step upon that silver sheet,

it will collapse quite wonderfully. i will give him space, i will try this time, even if he talks he wants me now, now deeply, fill me totally. i will try to be the winter here and take it slow.

slow slow slow forever all night long, will my faked silence be rewarded.

so i can be the sun.

i never thought i would speak this way

but i can try

labrador tea blossoms

image taken from the web

I wrote this at the writing club last week on a prompt labrador tea.

Clair and i went for dinner today, she doesn't agree with my new lifestyle. Not many do.That's okay, but i still like to bring it out in the open, maybe make it more accepted, maybe..

I always ensure my friends; you don't have to like what i do, or i say; i am not trying to convince you of anything, it's just me. What did i write lately? It's like positive thinking,which works for me, but doesn't really make my life easier. Or remember, i used to say; don't believe me , i lie. Well really all that stuff, we want to teach our kids about critical thinking.

I love my new lifestyle and i do love it when i meet kindred spirits. Claire, i dearly love her, is not one of them. She would kick her husband out, take him to court, strip him clean if he even suggested having a girlfriend on the side. So i don't push the subject with her. Sorry folks here i do, because this just happens to be my safe place to write this kind of stuff.

But Claire and i we do talk relationships, don't we all. So what did she say when i got up to leave?

Or did i say something, as i always feel the need to share. Shit, i love to brag about my boy friends, Yes, i am that kind of girl too. Anyway she said; " well do you have someone now"(meaning an affair)

"Well i did have sex with someone lately"

" Here? Here in Whitehorse"

" Yes Clair"

" A Whitehorse man!?"

Now Clair was all ears, And how i love an eager audience.

" Claire, i can't tell, it's secret, his wife is not to know, bla bla bla"

But her so eager, and i even more, i slipped some vague details:

You might know him

He is wonderfully young

And quite handsome

She asked: "please please please tell me

I am actually proud i was able to keep a secret, not my strongest

" pleeeeese..... in ten years than?"

I promised. I will tell her in ten years.

I don't know if even you guys get this, It's my wonderful life, it's what makes me blossom.

Like the blossom of Labrador Tea. It's not very well known. It is white and i am sure you Yukoners, know it's beauty and it's lovely exotic fragrance.

the end

And i met him again, and now i looked in his eyes, they are the same color as mine.

just an ordinary day

and i want to write this whole story, this story of today, this story of how we do laugh, how i was cold all day and lovers warmed me and my one love rubbed me vigorously and how i got lost in a white world. White sky, fine snow, even the tiniest branch white. How the cold stung my cheeks and i wandered of the path and the snow got deeper and deeper and soon i was a hundred miles from anything i knew. And the trees changed and shaped into forms with faces and how i kept on walking.... This is Rob's story, he told it today and i said ; Rob! you are a storyteller and he said; you know sometimes i don't even know how to spell my name anymore, and i laughed, i said you know Rob, i have never told a soul, but i never know how to spell my name, i always have to think, sometimes i look it up in my passport to make sure. And we laughed,and laughed and i wrestled him down. He is my husband, I am the domme and he is the sub. He doesn't know. It's all against the rules of bdsm, which is consensual consent. And i sit on his face and he eats me. We laugh harder, and of course he is stronger and wrestles me down. Consent with Rob doesn't work, he always says, no, we wouldn't even have made it as far as anal sex. Which we now like a lot, or my magic wand which was a gift from extramarital lover of mine. How i like that word, not as bad as cheating. What do you do when your husband always says no? So i fool around with other men, and he says , no. But the other day, i got a new job for one morning a week, a proper job, a normal job, not in the deep snow of the wild woods. And he was mad, how could i do such thing. You think i was admitting i had an affair, that's how upset he was. It turns out to be a nice job, and he is okay with it now. It was 4 pm when i went for my walk in the woods. I had to go out, i had been cold all day and knew i had to get out. And to have affairs ain't easy you know. In my life before loving lovers, i never thought much about affairs, it wasn't something i despised, but also not something i would ever do. And like positive thinking it doesn't really make life easier. oh i guess nobody ever said that, but it is not that i walked off the path on purpose. It was all white, the path, the stones, the forest floor. These glorious giant poplars, all white. But I know Darren when he phones , he phones me around 4 pm. When he is home from work and his wife is not home yet. You know i can't even picture his face very well, it's other body parts that are engraved in my mind. That i can still taste and his cum, i could still feel his cum in my mouth when i went to work after, a normal job, the people there think i am normal, i think they are normal. It makes me wonder what color their world is? How gloriously lost they are?