fifteen

Caballo turns into a strong beautiful horse, without knowing it. As a child she plays among others, alone in the garden. One day a cousin appears, Gerda who has always been there, now takes Caballo under her wing. Takes her up in her group of friends. They play and tell secrets of love and attraction. Wildly they gallop out of the garden into the fields. With the speed of a run away train. The four of them, way out there, discover that there's too many places for fun. Each chooses a direction of the wind, to return to the centre to give each other report. Caballo reaches a slight raise in the flat land, and plays with young stallions, that she doesn't know till this day.
In a moment of clarity; i will always remember sitting there all by myself, feeling loved by friends, life giving so much. I knew then and there; i would never feel lonely, because here i am sitting by myself, everything new, among strangers, ~i know i am always loved~. and still i hardly ever feel lonely.
The four of them together happily return to the garden to sleep.

the photo taken when i was 15 on one of those adventures with those friends.

tears

What is your relationship with your tears?

How many months ago now? Did i know i love the way they roll down my cheeks.
They way i can make them come, thinking certain thoughts.
Other times when i have no control, there they are.
How now i can actually stop them when i feel them coming.
How i had no such switch just recently.

And then there is the history
Yesterday on-line i met a woman from The Hague .
There's Tears of mine there in The Hague, are the crystals of the salt still there, you think?
It's 27 years ago.

My curriculum vitae for tears is really not that big.
1966 in my bed in my room above the bedroom of my parents. They did not hear, so there and then i did decide, no more tears for me.
1976 same spot, exams tomorrow, i knew i wasn't ready, but i did pass.
1983 The Hague, several locations, that i remember very clearly, i could find those crystals there. (these were heartbreak tears, it made me decide to move to Canada)
1986 Another heartbreak, Atlin BC
1990 In the doctor's waiting room, here. Pregnant. (my son:)

And then i cried for others and with movies and with books.

Here, now, i realize; no tears of Joy in this resume.

Summer 2009 up till today; tears tears tears, intermixed with heaps of Joy, the highs so high, the lows so low. He took me higher than i have ever been, lower than i dared to go.

Well you got to say, that is.....

so now you know

but do i?

i realize here now

i could not even say the word

i DID NOT have an affair

it was definitely not adultery

all i will say

-he is my truelove-

it's just

he happens to be married

and so am i

i like the word fornication

does that apply?

now i blew it all

not that there was (i cry) any hope left this is it it is called heartbreak nothing new in this world i've been there before haven't we all (my tears here they come again) why now why me why does it hurt so much for way too long now it's just i do not know how to continue it was a feast you tell me (my tears rolling down my cheeks) you don't regret a thing you tell me(i am blinded now by my own tears) what about my tears oh you say you don't like crying women well how come i've never cried so much in my life (i already said that a year ago, when things were still beautiful) i did not know i had tears before you came along you who gave me everything.....

Okay, it hurts again today, i know already i'll be fine, and better yet. Why today, because i was stupid enough to phone him, yes i did, all you who know me, can't believe your ears, "why why did she do that" well because i had nothing to loose and now i lost everything.....

For you who don't know me; i am a married woman and have a blessed life, my husband, no not he, he gives me everything.... almost :)

Here i sit all snotnosed.

If i just could press delete.

No, i won't. I do know Love (yes you), me neither, i don't regret a thing, it was a feast. I am so glad you said that, i am so glad we had what we had.......

garble garble

building a deck

My husband and i we work best together when in the nude.

What is that? That we work better together without clothes, really. These pictures show that i can work a drill, and i can and i will, but not with him around. And there he is, you can clearly see that he is hammering air, but it is all just for this picture. He is the one building the deck, not me.

I being a cat, actually just came by the try out the new space and got up on the barely standing deck to sit in the sun, and watch him work. Of course he stopped, he doesn't like being watched when he works. And the deck, actually he didn't build it, he is just putting it up. The deck believe it or not, we found it at the dump, and we just happened to have these sliding doors at the back of the house and my husband had never got around to build the steps into the garden.

Suddenly there it is, and the view a surprise too, maybe i show you next time.

voor jou

omdat ik van je houcan i love deeply within

without

i want so much to turn my back on you

it's way to long ago,

my heart my body they scream "NO"

free!free!
i am already free

can i live fully

loving you

Caballo Simone

she was born like a galloping horse
too eager to live no time to listen

her mother Matilde an angel descended,
giving birth to many kids
she was born from a long line of angels in heaven
Adriana, Neeltje,Maria the mountain, Maria the End,
Countess Maria, Maria the Marker, Aaltje Cornelis, Judith Simone and Annetje....

her father's father, Emperor the Jolly most Gentle
one of his sons a knight, slaying dragons and rescuing ladies of love, 't was her father

for now we call this new child, Caballo Simone
an angel to her mother
a princes to her grandpa, he whispered "i see you" and his eyes told her of love. he died very young
and her father he loved her, and told her his stories, till soon he too left the garden, drawn by dragons and labor of love.


All true :) These are all my mothers (thanks to my sister's research). My grandpa called me sientje pronounced seen-tje, and i had a special place in his heart. He died when i was 5. My father well he did tell me stories, and gave me much much more in those early years, but well he was slain a knight by the queen. To become a knight you have to do something very special for your country, which in his case meant he was not there for me or really that is how i experienced it.