Saturday, February 19, 2011

my dream

if you know me, from keepers you know i was living my dream for a while, for a few years really. And really before that i was living my dream too, and before that too, and before that i became aware of who i was and in the situation i was in, and i would live my dream. Like when i was building my sandcastles in a sandbox among flowering bushes, a divider between the orchard and the flower garden.
Still now as then, i find myself awake in a situation, really not knowing how i got here.
Now i find myself sitting here peacefully trying to get to the point to write a new dream, while waiting for one of my lovers to call me.
One of my lovers, yes, i think i have several to ward of feelings of rejection, or maybe to keep me in vain that i have options, that actually i have a choice. Maybe i need that all to write a new dream.
Today i felt restless, tomorrow i will go and see a new therapist, Monday i work in town.
It's easy to just carry on.
But i feel very stuck, i want change, i want to jump of the cliff, but unlike in my dream a few nights ago, i don't know if i can handle being in free fall for a few seconds, which might last for weeks. Or maybe i am already in free fall, i have set things in motion that cannot be reversed.

So i ask my self what is it what i want, What do i really want? A question i asked in 1974, and i was very blessed to live that life i truly wanted for a few years, and i felt very blessed and it gave me what i wanted. It is not that i was disappointed by it, or want out. It was glorious and will always live it in a way.

hmmmm so much to say, but instead of trying to explain it to you let me get to the point.
- why doesn't he phone? -
hmmmmm my dream....... to live in a loving relationship...
to live with someone in harmony, to be truly happy with eachother, to do the things you love, and come home to love.
ahhhh i realize it's a tall order, because i do not want to give up everything i have; my health, the freedom to do the things i love, to be always warm and well fed, to have loving friends and family.
See! now i think i am so spoiled
Please let me know i am not
Please let me know if you live with the love of your life and it is good....

next time for the sake of creation, i will go into the details

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