Monday, July 26, 2010

talk to me

Would you like to talk Tantra?
How about polyamory?
no. 3 he gazed at me
with starry eyes
i'm sold
now i am not smoking
my energies run wild
my woman power
i do not know
it feels as
love is bubbling over

Thursday, July 22, 2010

smoke screen

I would just love a smoke right now
to avoid temptation
i will throw up a smoke screen
in my head
I will do some regression therapy
and fantasize about my lover
long long ago, but memories
sweet like honey on my lips
my lips my lips they long to suck
that.... :)
It's all so funny really
how my smoking coincided with falling in love
and really had nothing to do with it
just a feeling of Euphoria
i could now do anything
and what befell on me?
cigarettes and lovers
talking smoke screens
we had the perfect alibi
smoke just hang around that day
(one day, when everyone involved has overcome
and all is long forgotten
i do like to tell the truth in details
sweet sweet secret memories
i can go without a cigarette
but not without my memories)
I know this maybe ain't the place to blabber anything
but you the reader might already have lost interest anyway
so i will carry on
it's just for some excitement
trying to deal with the withdrawal
what i will say; we did fall in love
(as i always say, he in lust
he would never call it love
well he did, he had a few slips fall of his sweet lips
he did promise me the rosegarden ,strawberry fields forever and my place in heaven but lets not dwell on that, i overcame that)
now i just want to tell how we did fall in love
yes, over the Internet :) why not?
somehow the Universe conspired, and without us planning
we met
we, he and i
love the story of it all
how it had to be
how we could not
maybe this lover thing while married, maybe it is no good, maybe maybe maybe
it was all in Love!
no lungs were tarred
just breathing deeply
air with angel music
a whiff of salt
sweet sweet fragrances
can i? here now
still smell your body......
oh yazzzzzz i can :) :) :)
i tell you the Universe conspired
the alibi abominable
no i will not tell
not yet
would you, the reader who's still reading this, tell?
would you feel proud of something that was just...
my only excuse
it was Love
and Love.....
sweet words soft kisses endless touching on and on and on
nothing nothing nothing can be wrong with that

Monday, July 19, 2010


everything is different
today i read and play:)
I watch your hand
which made me scream and beg
that hand
that goddarn gorgeous hand
today is different
:) you know what
it almost feels the same
how i cried for you
that deep despair
now that i stopped smoking
i scream in agony for that first puff of the day
but here i am
i do not lift my hand to reach that cigarette
i play instead :)
if you only knew
the fuddle that i am
Oh, you knew?
i guess i show you everyday

Sunday, July 18, 2010

happily ever after

or a shadow carved in her skin
every morning now, the queen enters the garden, baths in the spring, the fairies dress her with flower petals and spiderwebs. a ruby-crowned kinglet perches her shoulder. every morning she goes back in the castle and lifts the veil of the bird cage. She gently carries it out gently and hangs it up on the limb of a cherry tree. the bird inside is singing as soon as the fragrance of the garden washes over him, the fairies play around his cage, the spray of the spring refreshes his face. every morning the queen unlocks the little latch and opens the cage.

till the end of days

from dawn till eternity all over this vast and wide land his beautiful songs are heard. a sweet melody tinkling far of in the crevices of my heart

Friday, July 16, 2010

singing love songs

There is this bird
he loves to flirt
he makes women find their wings
once they fly above the clouds
beckoning him
he stops and shrieks,
"i'm kept inside a cage!"
please, please
don't stop singing
think of all the women you set free
one day your lust turns love
maybe that's the key
FRIDAY FLASH 55click here

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

bear body

My body will be hanging on someones wall in the States.
I am so happy about that, haha.
I feel as happy as when i was in love, you know, that time last year, that i didn't really tell you much about.
Of course here in the Internet my body does appear in your living room, i realize that.
So maybe it is because now someone payed for.
Well that is not really it either, although i can imagine that some women are very happy, when they get payed for their body.
And actually it's not the first time i get payed in this way.
It's just that, it is the first time one of my bigger paintings sold. The day i met this bear, i laid down in the grass, to use myself as the model, for the painting i envisioned.

It is always very thrilling to see a bear.
Today to have my art sold from an actual gallery, by people i never met, that also gives me a thrill!
Maybe it's just a little thing, but for me it's big,
~Big as a Bear~
an encounter
filled with delight

Monday, July 12, 2010

kisses and such

just showing you the deck Don built
that man of mine
he ain't perfect by any means
there's days when i wonder
but he kisses me
holds me when i cry
you know, just last week
remember when i was sad
he tickled me
first gently
wilder deeper
i laughed so hard i shrieked
healed for the moment
this man of mine
he is it that is here
gives me a full body massage
when i am not into sex so much
coming home every night
sleeping beside me
touching lightly
this old grump
he too has hurt me
but always
almost always:)
he is there for me

Sunday, July 11, 2010


Caballo turns into a strong beautiful horse, without knowing it. As a child she plays among others, alone in the garden. One day a cousin appears, Gerda who has always been there, now takes Caballo under her wing. Takes her up in her group of friends. They play and tell secrets of love and attraction. Wildly they gallop out of the garden into the fields. With the speed of a run away train. The four of them, way out there, discover that there's too many places for fun. Each chooses a direction of the wind, to return to the centre to give each other report. Caballo reaches a slight raise in the flat land, and plays with young stallions, that she doesn't know till this day.
In a moment of clarity; i will always remember sitting there all by myself, feeling loved by friends, life giving so much. I knew then and there; i would never feel lonely, because here i am sitting by myself, everything new, among strangers, ~i know i am always loved~. and still i hardly ever feel lonely.
The four of them together happily return to the garden to sleep.

the photo taken when i was 15 on one of those adventures with those friends.

Saturday, July 10, 2010


What is your relationship with your tears?

How many months ago now? Did i know i love the way they roll down my cheeks.
They way i can make them come, thinking certain thoughts.
Other times when i have no control, there they are.
How now i can actually stop them when i feel them coming.
How i had no such switch just recently.

And then there is the history
Yesterday on-line i met a woman from The Hague .
There's Tears of mine there in The Hague, are the crystals of the salt still there, you think?
It's 27 years ago.

My curriculum vitae for tears is really not that big.
1966 in my bed in my room above the bedroom of my parents. They did not hear, so there and then i did decide, no more tears for me.
1976 same spot, exams tomorrow, i knew i wasn't ready, but i did pass.
1983 The Hague, several locations, that i remember very clearly, i could find those crystals there. (these were heartbreak tears, it made me decide to move to Canada)
1986 Another heartbreak, Atlin BC
1990 In the doctor's waiting room, here. Pregnant. (my son:)

And then i cried for others and with movies and with books.

Here, now, i realize; no tears of Joy in this resume.

Summer 2009 up till today; tears tears tears, intermixed with heaps of Joy, the highs so high, the lows so low. He took me higher than i have ever been, lower than i dared to go.

Well you got to say, that is.....

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

so now you know

but do i?
i realize here now
i could not even say the word
i DID NOT have an affair
it was definitely not adultery
all i will say
-he is my truelove-
it's just
he happens to be married
and so am i
i like the word fornication
does that apply?

Monday, July 5, 2010

now i blew it all

not that there was (i cry) any hope left this is it it is called heartbreak nothing new in this world i've been there before haven't we all (my tears here they come again) why now why me why does it hurt so much for way too long now it's just i do not know how to continue it was a feast you tell me (my tears rolling down my cheeks) you don't regret a thing you tell me(i am blinded now by my own tears) what about my tears oh you say you don't like crying women well how come i've never cried so much in my life (i already said that a year ago, when things were still beautiful) i did not know i had tears before you came along you who gave me everything.....
Okay, it hurts again today, i know already i'll be fine, and better yet. Why today, because i was stupid enough to phone him, yes i did, all you who know me, can't believe your ears, "why why did she do that" well because i had nothing to loose and now i lost everything.....
For you who don't know me; i am a married woman and have a blessed life, my husband, no not he, he gives me everything.... almost :)
Here i sit all snotnosed.
If i just could press delete.
No, i won't. I do know Love (yes you), me neither, i don't regret a thing, it was a feast. I am so glad you said that, i am so glad we had what we had.......
garble garble

Sunday, July 4, 2010

building a deck

My husband and i we work best together when in the nude.

What is that? That we work better together without clothes, really. These pictures show that i can work a drill, and i can and i will, but not with him around. And there he is, you can clearly see that he is hammering air, but it is all just for this picture. He is the one building the deck, not me.
I being a cat, actually just came by the try out the new space and got up on the barely standing deck to sit in the sun, and watch him work. Of course he stopped, he doesn't like being watched when he works. And the deck, actually he didn't build it, he is just putting it up. The deck believe it or not, we found it at the dump, and we just happened to have these sliding doors at the back of the house and my husband had never got around to build the steps into the garden.
Suddenly there it is, and the view a surprise too, maybe i show you next time.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

voor jou

omdat ik van je houcan i love deeply within

i want so much to turn my back on you

it's way to long ago,

my heart my body they scream "NO"

i am already free

can i live fully

loving you

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Caballo Simone

she was born like a galloping horse
too eager to live no time to listen

her mother Matilde an angel descended,
giving birth to many kids
she was born from a long line of angels in heaven
Adriana, Neeltje,Maria the mountain, Maria the End,
Countess Maria, Maria the Marker, Aaltje Cornelis, Judith Simone and Annetje....

her father's father, Emperor the Jolly most Gentle
one of his sons a knight, slaying dragons and rescuing ladies of love, 't was her father

for now we call this new child, Caballo Simone
an angel to her mother
a princes to her grandpa, he whispered "i see you" and his eyes told her of love. he died very young
and her father he loved her, and told her his stories, till soon he too left the garden, drawn by dragons and labor of love.

All true :) These are all my mothers (thanks to my sister's research). My grandpa called me sientje pronounced seen-tje, and i had a special place in his heart. He died when i was 5. My father well he did tell me stories, and gave me much much more in those early years, but well he was slain a knight by the queen. To become a knight you have to do something very special for your country, which in his case meant he was not there for me or really that is how i experienced it.