Saturday, October 23, 2010

even i

am not always in the position to undress. but, i had this 'vision' and wanted to add a photo to it.
I sometimes have these images appear in my mind. They seem to come out of the blue and are not something i have seen before, it is not a memory. It also is not a dream. It's a flash that i see when i am awake. I don't know if there is a terminology for it. I also don't know if everybody gets them, although i think most of us do. But what do you do with them, they don't seem to relate to anything. Or do they?

she stood naked
in soft light
not harsh as i imagine desert light to be
all calm and content
not caught or distressed as one would assume
there is a coil of barbed wire
around her legs
below the knees
barefooted in the yellow sand
and endless desert
flowing without horizon
she easily could step out
slender with beautiful hips
not as i see mine

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

over come

maybe this orgasm thing
is too much for me
so much emotions
i could not even start to tell
even if i wanted
maybe the ones who have orgasms
somehow stronger
or is it
that they know
how to be weak

Sunday, October 17, 2010

so much to say

My life is always so terribly orgasmic, i always have a thousand stories, one happening or one thought, it often feels like i could write a book about it.
(Erin thanks) I HAVE NO IDEA, and that's what i have said to my sexual partners, i just have no idea about this orgasm thing. I don't know where i need to go or not to go when i reach a plateau of excitement. I will relax or work it up some more all with the same result.

But there is hope! With my husband i always have a satisfactory sex life. Then, when my first love came onto the seen, our relationship actually improved. Then when myheartupsidedown appeared my sex life with Don greatly improved. So here comes in Hope, because when i met Bill:) i used to say, you have the total wrong impression of me, i know nothing about sex. Well with lover no 3 (myheartrightsideup) i cannot say that anymore. I feel i learned a thing or two. Sooooo i will also figure out this mysterious orgasm.
And my husband is a great partner in crime, he loves it all.
and :) lover no 3 from a distance (who is really my no.1 or actually 2, 'cause i am no. 1 for me.)
and you, thanks!

For the journaling
I am working my kegels. A question is, i seem to be holding my breath while doing them, i find it real hard to keep breathing while working those muscles. Is that normal? Will i learn to breath and squeeze at the same time?
I masturbated for an hour! Lonnie advices, an hour a day. As here is my thing, i never masturbated as a child, still i find it kind of boring . But yesterday i did it, and will do so again today. After the 3 minutes i looked at the clock ; my gosh do i have to do this for an hour. Then after the next 3 minutes i already reach excitement! wow! (i am so easily proud of myself.)So i very much enjoyed it for 20 min total. Then i kind of started drifting of to sleep (my way of dealing with stuff, i sleep) but i kept playing, i woke up again for the last 20 min and actually didn't want to stop, but i did, leaving some for today.

Friday, October 15, 2010


Of course reading a book like this (For Yourself-Lonnie Barbach) always has an aspect that makes me think; well i am different. But the common factor, having troubles with orgasm: i am quite normal.
So today i read most of the day and did the exercises i came upon.
-She suggest a series of Kegel's , 3 times a day. I could those! wow. I do like to add though that a few years ago i started having trouble with incontinence, and back then i discovered i had lost most strength in my PC muscles., Which i have regained since, but still have to work on.

-I did talk to a girlfriend; she suggested to masturbate when i feel bad. ( i usually say; play with myself, but i am taking this serious:) Which i did! Not a day goes by, luckily, to feel bad of some kind, for a moment. When she suggested it, i did feel a slight panic; now you will have it i will feel good all day and don't have an opportunity to try it out. So i did try that out. and you know it was surprisingly pleasant. I would have never thought of that! (no orgasm though)

- I wrote my mom .(she didn't answer the phone)

-Then there is this thing that you have to say, no, to three things and yes to three others. This is hard for me, because i already pretty much do as i please, and do ask for things. Which is behind that exercises. I haven't figure this one out yet. I considered not bringing in wood, but i like bringing in wood. I did prepare dinner the way i like it and not the way my husband prefers it, but i already mostly do that anyway, because he is hard to please as it is, and for years i already know, that it is best to please me and often in the process it will please him. Which i do see as a bonus. So any suggestion here are welcome, do i have to look at it more subtle? Or do something so outrages i have never even thought of it. Or just accept, that is not were my problem lays? As in knowing , in that area i am on top. Arriba!

-And one more thing i did, look at my body for 15 minutes. Well there's another one, i am good at. I which might be obvious, love my body. No false pretense is required here. I love my skin, i love my veins, i love to touch me, i love my.... on and on. Ha! i really don't like my face very much. Well now that is a surprise, but not really, i like lots about it and i don't even mind the wrinkles, or my uneven teeth, but there is something about it???
Ha! (All this writing here is journal writing as in, i am discovering me while i write.)
so now i have already learned through the Tao of sexuality and such readings and listening to friends who have more expertise on the subject. That our mouth is very related to our genitals.
Or what was it again or how?

Anyway tonight i will ask for a face massage (which also fall under the 'yes' exercises)

Thursday, October 14, 2010

for yourself

I told you a while ago, about my orgasms, or lack of.
Now i was advised by a sex therapist, to read a certain book and do the exercises, and when encountering problems with doing the program outlined in the book i could phone her back.
Finally i got the book: For Yourself the fulfillment of female sexuality by Lonnie Barbach.
I am going to try this program starting today. She suggests first; ' to explore your attitudes and development as a sexual being.
1) How did your parents feel about sex? Your mother? your father? How were their feelings communicated to you?
First i thought well that's going to be a short answer, but of course not really.
I don't know how they felt.
hmmmm this is going to be quite personal here on-line, Lonnie suggest i talk with a girlfriend that i feel very close to.
What comes up for me now, which is an essential fear of mine that i recognize that i am always afraid of hurting people. What i might say might hurt my mom
The second issue is that i really don't want to do this, i've gone here before, i know it all.
But do i?
So for the exercises sake here we go:
My parents tried in earnest(i know that for a fact), to educate us about sex, but it didn't work out, most we got was a big silence. The one answer i did get, is that sex is for when you are married and it is very very special.
I never saw my mother's breasts till i was an adult. I never saw my parents loving towards eachother till i was an adult. So these are just somethings.
My mother did not enjoy sex. My father, i wouldn't have a clue. He was a charmer in the outside world, but a grump in his family. He laughed at me when i showed interest in my breasts and he forbid me to walk around half naked. Which never really worked out, There is nothing new in me showing my body, i am and i was a rebel since age 16.
Growing up i maybe communicated about sex with my mom a little,(maybe i could a fill one page) but never, never did i communicate with my dad on this subject. Yes i did, when he was laying in his casket, i would tell him things. And it is not a joke, it was actually very beautiful. i finally felt close to him again it had been 45 years.

Good enough for now! I am doing my Kegel's :)

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

walking on water

walking on water
why should i not
it's what we are after all
would you hold me
if you are strong
we could be one
if we stay open
and keep our
eyes on the sun
A Celebration of Poetic Inspiration
click on this to join in

Monday, October 11, 2010

summer seems

so long ago
and the summer before that one
where did that one go?
i just visited a little book
with notes
is it really that long ago?
we would phone right around this time
69, 6 your time and 9 mine
tuesday morning, monday night
Hey! phone me now!
I would love to hear your voice
laugh with you the way we did
to know what you are up to
but most of all
i want you to know
no, i never did get over you
it's just
that nowadays you are a fleeting thought
it's just
my boyfriend's out of town tonight

Saturday, October 9, 2010

imagine the photo

am i okay?

to just want you

to long for you

where ever i look

to find all sort of reasons why

or why not

even when i say

it's all good

knowing it is not

you enfold me

i am already in your arms

and that's why i cannot move

that's why everything i do

it's not real

all that is real is what i feel

your arms around me

even when they're not.

YOU, with you i can be the fuddle forever and all the time, and now i dance, swirl around on the wood floor and i paint some more, strokes of bright yellow, and deep blue lines, it really doesn't matter does it that i ..... am ....this way. Will you still love me, when all i want is make love to you.

I love this friggin' life

snow me in, snow

frost you cannot freeze me

do you see me

i dance here naked and hit a key when flying by

and really this is how i believe life to be, not a care in the world, just to know you love me and i loving you.

my question always is

can i live this way

can i live on just love

i did go out and filled the woodbox

i did go out and picked greens, brushing off the snow

i did put away that the ladder

now we are as high as we can be

Lets live our dream

when we don't

who will

Tuesday, October 5, 2010


i smell the roses

the grass is greener
now i've heard your voice today

all i could do was laugh
all he did was laugh
when we did connect
i cannot believe
the joy of laughing
from sheer happiness
laughing at ourselves
laughing at eachother
we didn't need to say a thing
we knew, we both had been too silly
in way too much agony
'cause we did not skype for just one day

One Shot Wednesday

what you don't see

what you don't see
is that is it snowing right now
that we quickly cover over
the woodpile behind me
in the dark early morning
naked under my snow suit
what you don't see
is the that the story goes on
after the picture's taken
what you don't see
is that the story is right there
taking the shot
what you don't see
is who's sitting beside me

Recently i made it to the front cover of a local magazine. Monthly i attend a writers group. This one night it just happened to be, that i went out in public with my new lover for the first time. And i like to say; my gosh, the paparazzi was right there, no privacy. Of course i am not famous in this way :)

myheartrightsideupand i, where meeting in secret up till that day. This day we did decide, to just do what i normally do, but with him. I long for that, to just be able to live this life of loving openly, called polyamory. I still am only here most open about it, my husband slowly being introduced to me. It is really me and my husband and lover(s) that i think have to know. And here i just want to express it and learn more.
I am still totally enamored by the secretness of it. Loving it that his arm (his godly arm, i love him so) is in the photo, on this magazine. 'Cover girl almost exposed'. We did not know that there would be a photographer there, that day. The leader of the group did ask if anyone had objections.
What do you say, when it just happened to be your first day, and nobody knows.

what you do see
is that i radiate
and i wish you could see
that i love working with my husband
our warm bodies
just out of bed
in the snow
getting ready for winter
you don't see
how happy it makes me
to work with him
something we never did well
and somehow
we are able to

Sunday, October 3, 2010

for my sister

Hi sis, i know when i was your age :) i didn't think certain things aesthetically enough to print. You know who taught me to appreciate pictures just like this.

Me here now, some go through it much younger than i do, and i hope some much older too. And maybe some never do, they don't have too.

I love this liberation, and i know i am not quite there, when i'm in the forest and i feel this wave of love welling up from somewhere deep inside, flowing through my heart. I wonder is that what an orgasm is like? You tell me.
Last night i reach an extreme state of pleasure, but ..... somewhere my husband's nail pinched some sensitive skin, and it all disappeared. And even if the love making was very pleasant after, again i did not reach an orgasm.

My husband he is perfect! Just because i am not:) We had a few days of real struggle, where as you maybe understood from previous post, i want a freer life, and he did not. Today is the day we set a side to talk it all out.
mmmmmm it was quite sweet, he looks forward to be be a month without me, and what i do, he lets me free.
He knows what i intend to do with that freedom, and that's enough, no details please.

These trees, growing along side individually, connected by the hip.
That's love for me.